We’ve long been in shock over paying top dollar for distressed jeans that look like they’ve been pickled in bleach and mutilated by a grizzly bear.
It’s so ho-hum.
But it takes a lot of money to buy a pair of “extra destroy” sneakers sold by the luxury brand Balenciaga. They’re limiting production to 100 pairs of these scruffy $1,850 high tops. I’m intrigued by the 100, because I can think of at least 101 people dumber than a piece of butter who would buy this.
Either way, the company says the Paris Sneakers, as they’re called, suggest they’re meant to be worn for life because overconsumption is bad for the planet. In other words, they are a socially responsible company selling these plagues at an eye-watering price.
When I try to make sense of this upside-down thought, my brain hurts so much I have to medicate myself with a big brownie.
The good news, in my opinion, is that you can make a $1,850 Balenciagas knockoff pair for next to nothing. Start with a pair of plain white sneakers. If they’re already scruffy and dirty, you’re on the right track.
First, drag the sneakers through the ashes in a fire pit or campfire, like dredging a pork chop through flour. The idea is to create various spots and streaks so that the sneakers look like they’ve been soaked for about a month in raw sewage, minus the smell.
Each sneaker will be stained and mottled differently, but they should look just as disturbing. Now grab all the handy power tools for digging, drilling and sanding shoes. Don’t ignore the little bits. Feel free to stab and cut them.
Use a black jumbo tip marker to write “Balenciaga” on the sides of the shoes. The ideal is to ask a child of 5 years to make the impression so that the word is as big as the basketball. You want the world to notice your elite feet.
If you’ve destroyed the sneakers correctly, you should be able to wear the nasty stuff in a gym and clear the room in seconds and have your pick of workout machines.
Better yet, sell them to a fool at a mind-blowing discount. Maybe 50 cents.
“Booth 186: My Secondhand Career in Vintage Corsets, Moose Heads and Other Moth-Eaten Antiques” by Marti Attoun is available as an e-book on Amazon.