The problem with plastic is that it is too useful and that is why getting rid of it is environmental.

Plastic wrap can be stretched thinner than a politician’s excuse to keep a fly out of a potato salad.

However, as a body armor, it can be padded thicker than a Northern Irish accent to prevent a bullet from entering a chest.

Paper straws are a far inferior substitute for plastic straws, claims David Southwell

It’s incredibly cheap to make and lasts almost as long as a royal family feud.

So sure, he can hang around past his expiration date, like a former prime minister.

That’s why NSW is banning all single-use plastics in November.

Which might have been OK if the replacements weren’t, to put it in technical terms, complete rubbish.

This is even more waste than discarded plastic.

To get even more technical, the stuff they want us to use instead of plastic just sucks.

Or as is the case with paper straws, they barely suck.

Social media users know the dark secret of paper straws, they just don't work, or at least for a short time

Social media users know the dark secret of paper straws, they just don’t work, or at least for a short time

All it takes is a few sips for those straws to dissolve into sad clumps of soggy mulch.

A replacement for something is normally expected to do the same job.

A drinking straw’s job is to transfer liquid through a thin, strong tube.

It’s not about turning into paste that looks like it should be used as a cheap filler in a wall cavity.

To consume any decent-sized drink, or if you’re foolhardy enough to try a chunky shake, you have to throw away the paper straws for the coolers faster than Leo DiCaprio does the Vogue models.

It can’t be good for the environment.

This is not the case, paper straws are very fibrous and cannot be recycled.

Plastic straws along with other single-use plastic items will be banned in NSW from November

Plastic straws along with other single-use plastic items will be banned in NSW from November

Thus, they are just as likely to become landfills as plastic.

Paper straws also taste bad, it’s kind of like drinking through an anorexic cardboard toilet paper tube.

It’s not the only “replacement” for food-related plastic that tastes bad.

McDonald’s and many other take-out restaurants now offer wooden cutlery rather than plastic utensils.

Unlike straws, wooden cutlery performs the basic function of carrying food to your mouth.

However, every bite is tainted with the less than enticing taste, in fancy restaurants you’d call it “one note,” balsa wood.

Single-use plastic cutlery is unfortunately replaced by bad-tasting wooden kitchen utensils

Single-use plastic cutlery is unfortunately replaced by bad-tasting wooden kitchen utensils

Not to mention the danger of splinters.

It’s time to stop this madness.

If we don’t, plastic straws and cutlery are likely to follow the path of the most sadly missed wonder and glory of the modern age – the free plastic shopping bag.

Some may not even remember these translucent blessings, which were miraculously removed by a cashier and given to you.

Given to you…as in for free, at no cost! As many as you need!

No doubt their negligible cost was absorbed in the overall bill.

However, to receive something without having to dip deeper into your pockets, to get something just because you needed it, was a small act of generosity and grace in an otherwise unforgiving world.

We no longer have the right to the little miracle of the supermarkets to give us free plastic <a class=bags to carry our groceries.” class=”blkBorder img-share” style=”max-width:100%” />

We no longer have the right to the little miracle of the supermarkets to give us free plastic bags to carry our groceries.

Most sane people would agree that free plastic bags have elevated and enhanced the very joy of being alive.

They were to supermarkets what John Keats is to poetry, what Handel is to cathedral choirs and what dark chocolate is to Tim Tams.

They were also an important social justice issue.

They lifted, just for a moment, the stigma, shame and ostracism of a cruelly discriminated, marginalized and despised group.

I am obviously talking about the distracted, the forgetful and the disorganized.

These most worthy people, I can pitifully and personally attest, only remember leaving the stupid cloth or heavier plastic bag in the far parking lot after the metal gates to the cattle yard of a supermarket entrance closed behind them.

Thus, they have to reluctantly buy plastic or cloth bags that will only end up piled up on the pile of single-use bags in the back of the car.

The most motivated will refuse to buy bags.

Plastic has helped more elephants retain their tusks, which were previously turned into billiard balls

Plastic has helped more elephants retain their tusks, which were previously turned into billiard balls

Sometimes the principle is too important, especially when this noble principle is tight.

It then comes down to whether they can bear to stuff a bag of frozen peas into their sweater, while stuffing jars into pockets and hanging the free little plastic bags you get for fruit on various parts of their bodies, like Christmas tree decorations.

Other items must then be stacked in their arms, until they are stacked like a grocery item leaning on the Tower of Pisa.

To maintain the balance of this wobbly construction, the client must walk away looking like a demented circus performer.

Obviously, this normally fails with a spectacular reversal that spills rolling fruit to the confines of the supermarket and under other people’s carts.

It is not widely known that plastic was invented to help the environment.

Specifically to keep elephants tethered to their tusks and therefore fortunately also breathing.

Celluloid, the first plastic, was created to shape billiard balls, which had been made from the ivory tusks of hunted elephants.

Unfortunately, celluloid was not a good substitute as it tended to explode.

There is still plenty of empty space in Australia that can be safely used for landfill

There is still plenty of empty space in Australia that can be safely used for landfill

This failed to impress players despite snooker being a much more exciting spectator sport.

It wasn’t long before less explosive plastics were found for billiard balls, which meant Dumbo was able to keep his baby teeth.

One objection to plastics is that they are made from a fossil fuel, petroleum.

True, but not a lot of oil, otherwise plastics wouldn’t be cheap.

You’ll find higher concentrations of petrochemicals in Ru Paul’s Makeup Remover Kit.

The plastic, let’s face it, is fantastic.

It’s so wonderful that we’ve done a lot of it, which is the problem.

Except that’s not really a problem, just put it in the landfill.

All you need is a lot of land that nobody wants to use for anything else, which is pretty much all of Australia minus a few strips of real estate out of prices near the coast.

For once, can’t green fanatics just show their personal virtue by rejecting plastic and not forcing us to do the same?

It’s environmental to let eco-bullies take fantastic plastic away from us and only offer shitty replacements.