In honor of this inaugural season of Ultimate Girls’ Trip, Vulture has assembled a cast of stars Housewives writers to rotate wrap-up tasks. This time for a long time RHOC, RHOBH, and RHONY recapper and president and founder of the Housewives Institute, Lady Brian Moylan.

The best thing about Real housewives: UGH So far, these women aren’t just housewives, they are fans too. Here’s Kyle in the car singing Gia Giudice’s famous TikTok song “Waking up in the morning…”. Here’s Cynthia in the other car telling the countess, “Be cool, don’t be all, like, not cool.” Here are the women who ask Cynthia if she and NeNe Leakes are still friends. These are all the things we would do. These are all the ways we would act if we were actually around these women, and I thank the evil demon who took control of Kelly Killoren Bensimon’s body that someone is there as a fan surrogate.

We’ve seen a lot of it on the show so far, especially in the discussion women have with Teresa and Melissa about how Melissa got into the show and what happened. Plus, I loved Cynthia asking Teresa when she knew her marriage to Joe was over. I think because they don’t have years of beef or worry about the ulterior motives of other women like they would with their own cast mates, they are able to be more honest and vulnerable. with each other.

After a brief interlude at the start of the episode where Luann continues to harass Michael, the sexy janitor, this time in French, the women really get down to housewife all around the dinner table. After Cynthia explains how she felt betrayed by NeNe and that she was still saddened to have lost their friendship, Teresa changes the subject by telling her that she lost her friendship with Jacqueline Laurita, who brought up the Teresa’s legal problems. Teresa then turns to Kyle and asks how they’re going to handle Erika Jayne’s ongoing legal battles on their show and if they would ignore them like Teresa wanted for her cast mates. “Well, they or they know what’s going on, so it’s going to happen no matter what, so I ask questions that allow her to explain her point of view. I like the producers to be called contradictory “they” and Kyle essentially admitting that she’s the biggest producer on the show.

That’s what fascinated me about this episode. We’re all tuned in to see women having drama and blowing up on each other, but we’re sitting here eating our popcorn as they debate… ingredients for a TV show- reality. It’s actually a brilliant strategy because Bravo, Peacock, NBCU, and Andy Cohen’s University Children’s Fund can get women talking about being on the show, how the show is done, and giving to women. fans all the context they want while still being protective of the individual shows up.

Melissa takes the women on a buggy tour that no one wants in helmets that no one wants to break their weaves, and I’m like, “Please take us back to talk about. Housewives. “Oh, they do. Kyle talks about his situation with Lisa Vanderpump and the iconic ‘goodbye Kyle’ line that came with it. Luann shares how Bethenny showed him the picture of Tom cheating on her on camera and how she looked. very upset by this. She says Bethenny always wanted the spotlight on her, but to the detriment of her friendships. “I don’t care if it’s for TV, good humans don’t do that,” she says as she digs the knife deeper into the Bethenny voodoo doll she carries in her beach bag. It’s a common theme among women: how not to let the show take over; how not to let the show become more important than their relationships.

At lunch, Luann says, “Oh, hey. So the producers have written a few questions for you about being on the show, and we’re going to give gays whatever they want. This is the best lunch I could have been invited to. Some of the answers are what we expected: Kyle says it can ruin relationships that are already broken; Ramona says her daughter Avery was the one who wanted to be famous and that she didn’t like her being on the show and not a “normal” mother; Kenya says social media enemies suck; and Cynthia says the biggest perk of being on the show is “all the women I’ve met”. Truly? Not the two (probably) free marriages you’ve had?

The most telling answer comes from the Countess herself, who is asked what is the worst thing that has ever happened to her on the show. I mean, she’s spoiled for choice: “It’s about Tom”, getting caught cheating with the hacker, the footage of the arrest, all those trips to the Berkshires, the Herman shoes Munster she had to watch, the boat ride from hell. Instead, it’s something both more general and more threatening. “It’s about keeping your sanity,” she said. “Keep your head in the right direction and don’t fall victim to people who try to shoot you down for whatever reason. “

I love seeing Kenya in this atmosphere, talking about the show and its impact on it. During the drive, she says the consensus on the show is that she always has to be the bad guy. Normally I would say, “Uh, well, Kenya. Do you remember when you showed up with a marching band to overshadow a castmate? Do you remember the Cookie Lady? But then we see her here, in this group of new women, and it’s a much nicer, sweeter Kenya than the one we see mingling on. RHOA. Yes, I think the women we see on TV are just like in real life, but I think we also see how the context and the arts and sciences of reality TV can push a personality in a way or a direction. the other.

That brings us to his breakup with Marc Daly, who Cynthia says is “not a bad person” and, well, everything I’ve seen shows he’s not that great. Uh, really? This guy, texting her, “I’m sorry for the pain I caused you?” Uh, no, how about not creating the pain? It’s like saying the Grinch saved Christmas. Yeah, that’s only after he shoved all the Who-Hashes up the chimney and trashed the town in the first place. He does not receive applause for returning it.

Cynthia has to make do as there’s a long Jersey night out ahead of them. Melissa bought matching satin pajamas (in Bravo blue, natch) for the whole gang, but why did some of them get shorts and pants? Does Melissa tell some women that they have ugly legs? Luann descends into his pajamas with the blouse open and a bikini top underneath and, of course, a trendy necklace to tie it all together. All she needs is a woven cowboy hat and a crown and she could be Tamra Barney’s season four in Puerto Vallarta.

Luann is all dolled up because she and Michael have a very intense flirtatious dynamic. Like Luann, I am also a flirt. (It must be something in the central Connecticut water that we grew up drinking.) A compliment here, a touch on the arm there, a small smile and a wink. They can all go far. Michael comes up with a game where women have to shoot a Twister mat, and most of them can get down low enough to do so. However, he tells Luann that he is going to lie down and put the shot glass in his mouth and that she has to take this photo. (For her, the shot is a non-alcoholic rosé.)

Luann, his shirt still open, lowers himself over Michael, puts the shot glass between his lips, turns her head back as if she were Ariel coming out of the sea, and drops his pelvis directly onto Michael’s crotch. They are two thin layers of fabric away from the fuck at this point. He knows it’s going to be broadcast on TV, doesn’t he? He knows his wife is going to see this, right? He knows it was his idea and if he ends up getting a divorce he can’t blame Luann, can he? Several of the women there say what he did wouldn’t fly in their relationships. I don’t know what the women in Cakes and Turquoise look like, but, yeah, that’s not something someone should do with a single woman. Now if Michael wanted to do that with me. Well my DMs are open, and I’m sure my wife won’t mind.

Things get a lot hotter when the girls play prosecco pong, where teams not only have to drink but also answer sexual questions. Ramona “I don’t kiss or say but I sent topless shots from the Jacuzzi even though I came out of the Season 1 reunion because of Alex McCord’s boudoir shots” The singer says that ‘she had sex on the beach once, an idea that always seems romantic until you remember… the sand. She also tells us that she used to have a “cannoli night” with her ex Mario, where she would put cannoli cream on her D and then lick it. If I ever got stuck on a desert island and could only bring two foods it would be cream of cannoli and Mario Singer’s D. Ugh, but think about all that sex on the beach. Okay, maybe just the cannoli cream.

The story of the night goes back to Kyle Richards, who says she once had sex with her husband at a black tie event with a table full of ten people pulling up her dress and sitting on it her husband’s joint. Note to self: attend all the evening dress events Kyle Richards may attend. Like Melissa Gorga, however, I’m skeptical of the logistics of this. I’ve seen people use this move to boning at a club where everyone’s on molly and no one really cares, but at a black tie event? How did he get it out? How did they get all the zippers off all that precious genital skin? Did he come down or was it just, like, a little ride? There are so many things I want to know. But as we learn more about the logistics and the mental toll of what it’s like to be a true housewife, I guess some things will have to remain a mystery.